Instead I am going to remember back to my earliest years in my life. At the age of 5, I was beginning to find my way in a wonderfully urban neighborhood with lots of kids. Then my father, for reasons pertaining to his own recreational needs, removed us from that ideal setting to a lonely house located a mile outside the other end of town, and down a long driveway. It was in a deserted area in the hills known as 'The Mesa'. A year later, he switched me into a private school on the opposite side of town. Happily, he switched me back into public school on our side of town for my last three grades of elementary school. Even though I was still living a mile out of civilization, I was regaining connections with a peer group, this time in a highly-integrated demographic. I was looking forward to greater bicycle mobility and socialization in junior high school. Those reveries were ended when my father sent me off for six years to a rich-boy prep school with a cosmopolitan demographic.
On this morning's hike with Doberwoman, I reviewed my adult life, especially as pertains to my closest associations with other men. I noted that with very few exceptions, they have been competitive: often in coaching or playing recreational sports. It's been through tennis, sailing, soccer, softball, cards, chess and the like; and only after the competitve contest was won or lost that I could connect with another man. The same could be said of the classroom and the workplace. And the same can be said of my decades of left-wing politics and blogging: it's always been our team vs. their team. In a figurative sense, I've been living on that Mesa for a lifetime.
That's been changing only in the last 18 months. I found a new church which thrives with its intellectually-gifted, emotionally-literate ministers, decentralized leadership and small discussion groups. I have been finding new and close friendships among men with whom I feel no need to compete.
And this morning with Doberwoman it came to me what the MKPTA weekend has meant to me. It's crystalized for me the fact that I'm finally off that fucking Mesa.
More Kids Posing Than Adults?
ReplyDeleteNo. These are all men.
ReplyDeleteWhat was the event, Doc?
ReplyDeleteWatch this space, Baydog.
ReplyDeleteMKP is not perfect. I-Group leaders are a mixed quality. At least, I am not satisfied with what I see and what I have experienced. MKP prides itself on being, through its use of mythology and magic, to be better than therapy. That's a dangerous pretense. A Potemkin pretense. That's the preface to what I want to address, which is last night's Circle.
ReplyDeleteIn the check-in, this new guy, Steve, was sitting next to me. He was in bad shape. Emotionally. Best as I can recollect, he had just returned from seven years in China. He didn't speak the language. Being there was like being in prison. Check-in is too brief to have been able to get to the details: Why was he there? Was he married to a Chinese? Was he working there? There never was time enough for him.
DT was subsequently leading some pointless exercise with a twerp in the corner and doing a bad job of it to boot. Suddenly Steve gets up and mutters something like, "Sorry, I thought this was a therapy group," or "Sorry, I didn't know this was a therapy group," and "I don't belong here." And before he abruptly leaves, I say to him, "Hey, can you sit down for a minute." To no avail.
The point I need to make is that I had the urge to follow this possible nutcase out the door. I wanted to hear the story. I thought he needed to tell it. There was some healing business to do here. It didn't happen. In a nano-instant the opportunity was lost.
Why? Why couldn't I go with my instinct? What deterred me? Something like loyalty to DT? To the group? Why so conservative? So cautionary? Why am I so slow to man-up to my better, instinctual nature? This is not the last time something like this has happened with me. I remember the first time. In High school, after a night hockey game. The night I didn't start a riot.
The whole three hours wasn't a complete loss, thanks to Howie speaking his truth to his situation. What keeps me there, in this circle? Will Howie be back? Maybe I can unravel Curt better if I move on to another alternative Circle, and just email him? I don't know the answer to that yet. But this one circle is bad karma.